Phoenix

This post is meant to be read in conjunction with our adoption Facebook page, so if you're coming upon it at random, you might want to check that out.  Link's at the bottom.

I'm writing this for a number of reasons.  I'm sure many of you are wondering just what happened to our adoption.  How do these things fall through?  So far, we've not regretted sharing more information instead of less, omitting only enough to protect the privacy of this other family to which we were, and still are, in a way, connected.  Sharing more rather than less has brought us an unanticipated amount of support, for which we are extremely grateful.  It has made a difference.

I also wanted to share this more difficult part of our journey because I know there are waiting families out there who haven't experienced what we did and won't know what it's like.  I'm of the opinion that familiarity breeds preparation.  I think we would have been much worse off if I had not spent the 15 months prior to Will's birth combing the internet for all kinds of adoption stories.  So I'd like to add our story to the mix, in the hopes it prepares other waiting families for the possibility of losing a baby they hoped would be theirs.

Finally, I'm writing this for myself.  In the past 19 days we have spoken with so many people, but there are so many details and nuances that nobody gets the whole story.  I apologize, but this really won't be the whole story, either.  It would take hours to tell, and I have retold it in my mind many times.  As much as we experienced, we have only part of the story, our part.  Many of the details are actually kind of private, things we share with Dick and Jane, and those things we'd rather hold in our hearts just for us.  Here's the rest.

So what happened?

There's some stuff we think is true, but I'll try to stick to the facts.

Will was born Sunday afternoon, five and a half weeks early.  Despite his premature birth, he was quite large and did very well.  He was breathing on his own by Monday, eating on his own by Tuesday and had no need for an IV any longer by Wednesday.  I believe he wound up going home at eight or nine days old.

We were present for the birth, which was awesome.  Okay, Jane may not have thought it was quite so awesome after laboring for 40 hours, but as gigantic, important life experiences go, it was awesome.

Will was sent immediately to the NICU, where he stayed for his entire hospital stay.  Jane was gracious enough to give us one of the two bracelets to gain entry to the NICU, so we were able to see Will on our own whenever we liked.  This is definitely not always the case for adoptive parents.  We continued to see Dick and Jane, too, and even spent time together with the baby.

Life outside the NICU was a whirlwind.  Things we'd been poised and ready to set in motion for weeks or months finally started to move, and they moved quickly.

Jane left the hospital Tuesday afternoon.

On Wednesday morning, we went up to visit Will.  As we were leaving, I noticed a missed call and voicemail from Ashley, our agency counselor.  Her message asked me to call her back, but didn't tell me what she wanted.  I knew then.  I called her back and she confirmed that Dick and Jane had changed their minds and wanted to keep Will.  She said Dick had told her they became aware of resources they didn't know they had that would allow them to parent.  Ashley said she thought this meant family had offered help.  We also think this is true.

I made that call in the hallway outside the NICU ward.  Eric came out as I was talking, listening really.  All I could say in response was "okay, okay, okay."  Thankfully, we didn't get any further.  We were able to walk right back in to say good-bye.  For me, it was as if my brain had taken the call and not yet told my heart what it was about.  As we stepped back into the room and I saw him, my brain broke the news: "This isn't our son."  My heart's response was to try to leap out of my body and cling to the baby and cry "But I love him!"  Sobbing, I insisted Eric take one last picture, we gathered our car seat and bottles and clothes and kissed Will good-bye.

That's what happened.

Were there any signs?

Yes, but what they were isn't easy to pick out.  After leaving the hospital Tuesday, for example, Jane did not reply to communications from us.  You could say this was a sign she was changing her mind, but she could have behaved exactly the same way and still gone through with the adoption.  Leaving him behind, knowing he'd never be coming home to her, would be difficult and I wouldn't blame her for not replying to us right away.  Most of the signs were like that.

The only concrete sign we got was that morning, as we were caring for Will in the NICU.  His nurse made a phone call to ask a question about formula, but whoever was on the other end of the phone obviously already knew Dick and Jane had changed their minds.  The nurse got very quiet and asked "But you're coming up here to talk to them, right?"  I got very agitated upon hearing that, but many things "go wrong" in these situations that wind up not being that big a deal.  Needing to talk to us was no biggie.  When the nurse didn't ask us to leave right then and nobody came to talk to us for the time we remained there, nearly an hour, we relaxed.  When the nurse informed us of Will's impending transfer to a different NICU ward, told us how to find it and packed up our belongings for the move, we were reassured.  Then I looked at my phone.

Human behavior is complex, and in adoption I feel like it's at its most complex.  Two situations can be virtually identical, and the outcomes could still be opposite.  All the signs can point in one direction, but your journey may lie in the other direction.

Do you still talk to Dick and Jane?

We are still in contact with Dick and Jane, yes.  We do not have the relationship we thought we'd have, of course.  We might see more of them in time, but for now, we think a little distance is better.  We had weeks to define our relationship as adoptive parents and birth parents; now we don't have those roles and what our new relationship will be remains to be seen.

Really, the way we found out, from the counselor at the agency of our own choosing, the people we talk to the most and who we trust most, was the best way.  I am glad we were alone for that moment, and its timing, giving us the opportunity to say good-bye, was perfect.

We are happy to know the baby is doing well and that they are thrilled to have him.  We have learned that they, along with Will and their older son, are finally able to live together as a family.  For that, we're very, very pleased for them.

Do they still call him Will?

No.  Almost since their first contact with us, we had separate names for him.  They're using the name they'd planned for his birth certificate all along.  We call him Will in part to recognize what he means to us, and in part to protect the privacy of their family by not using his real name.

Does this mean you have to start all over?

Here starts the metabolizing of this event.

Factually, kind of, sort of, but not really.  We do have to keep our home study current and will have to do an update in the spring, something we weren't going to have to worry about when we were counting on this placement to happen.  It's not as bad as a full home study, though, and our profile remains the same.

We do have to simply wait for another expectant mother to contact us.  In that way, it does feel like starting all over.  With time, distance and a lot of experiences under my belt, I can see I wasn't in such a fantastic place when Jane first contacted us.  She really changed everything.  Now we're back to the not so great place, but we're not the same and trying to do it better.

How do you feel?

The million dollar question!

There are times when remembering the past month seems to be all I can see, like a wall so high we cannot climb it.

The truth is, however, that the wall is tall and we cannot climb it (we cannot change their minds), but the wall is not whole and we will find a way around it (as parents to a different baby.)  We don't know when we'll find that next gap in the wall, but we have to keep walking.  If we don't, we'll never find our way past this wall to our son or daughter.

Mostly, I feel good.  It seems really soon to say that, there are still tough times, but that's how I feel.  This might sound strange to you, who know only us and not Dick and Jane, but I think the right thing happened.  Dick and Jane very much wanted this baby, however unplanned the pregnancy might have been, but they felt they couldn't provide enough to both their children to justify keeping Will.  Then circumstances changed, and their decision changed with it.  If a baby is wanted and his parents are able to provide for him, why on earth should an adoption happen?  In their shoes, I would have made the same choice.  Knowing that takes away the feeling of purposelessness to our hurt.

And there are actually a lot of good things about these unfortunate events.  To me, they seem to fall into two categories.

It could have been worse . . .

We could have gone home with Will and introduced him to everyone in person.  This would have made giving him back much harder.  Though we shared as much as we could, the hospital would not allow us to bring visitors to the NICU until we had legal custody.  In a way, unintentionally, that prevented some heartache.

We could have gone to court.  This would have given Eric legal custody of Will.  Jane and Dick could still have changed their mind, but it would have been much more complicated a scenario.

We could have lost a lot of money.  We didn't.  Though adoptive parents often do pay some expenses for the birth family, Dick and Jane asked for nothing.  We had a small budget for this to begin with; now we can potentially use that for another birth family and our options are no more limited than they were before.  The only money we "lost" was $650 paid to our Virginia agency for a counseling session with Dick, Jane and ourselves and the report they wrote for the court, which obviously can't be transferred to the next birth family.  Despite meeting with us twice, providing extensive advice by phone and securing the services of another attorney for Dick and Jane, our attorney has charged us nothing.  Though we want to maintain Dick and Jane's privacy, they were a local family, meaning we didn't have to travel.  No flights, no hotels, no rentals.

We could be down one income.  I quit my job, impatient and misinformed by my company's policies regarding leave and FMLA.  I begged, there was lots of crying (not just my own) and I got my job back.  I appreciate it a lot more, and though I still wish this baby had been The One, every paycheck I earn means more savings and puts us in a better position to accept even more situations we might not have been otherwise able to consider, regarding birth family expenses, travel, additional agencies and attorneys, etc.

(Funny story here.  Well, funny now.  Several people have continued to congratulate us, not having heard about the change of plans.  Don't feel bad about this.  Facebook is squiffy with what it shows to people, not everyone hears about everything, it's okay.  Trust me, you can't be any worse than the hospital, who called an hour after we got home to discuss the bill.  It was a very polite Fuck No.)

We could have had to make a hundred phone calls.  Somehow, everyone but the attorney found out before we did, but that was good.  Other than calling our parents and siblings, we were able to simply post to Facebook what had happened and that and our families took care of the rest.

We could have thought this was hard.  The whole process, that is.  (Losing the baby WAS hard!  Still is.)  Yet the truth is that Dick and Jane are terrific.  They were respectful and excited for us.  They (almost) never inserted any unnecessary drama into our lives.  (Thinking of the birthday party here!)  We hear of matches where expectant parents qualify as minor hurricanes and either the adoptive parents have to walk away, or deal with it, and they still might not be able to adopt that baby in the end.  This was not what our match was like at all.

We could have been deceived.  This most definitely happens, but this was not the case this time.  We believe Dick and Jane were entirely sincere in their plan to place Will for adoption up until their circumstances changed.  Though we don't know for sure, we suspect we know when this offer of help came about and it was only after the baby's birth.  They didn't drag anything out.  We appreciate that.

We could be sorry, but . . .

This actually made us better.

In many ways, we actually grew.  I wouldn't take any of it back.  If on September 5th, when Jane first emailed us, you had told me that in December, she would choose to parent her son, if you had also told me what those weeks getting to know them would be like, what it would be like to see this child being born, what it would be like to be a parent to him, even if only for three days, I would do it all over again.

Though we would not have told you there was any doubt in our minds about adopting, maybe because we didn't recognize it, now we know for sure this is what we want to do.  Going back to waiting is HARD, but now we know what we're waiting for.  We were parents for three days and it felt incredible.  There is no doubt in our minds anymore that we can love a child who was not born to us and be ready and willing to give him or her everything we have.

We are kinder, more patient with one another and more committed to supporting one another through our wait.  That would have been worth it right there.

Overall, we gained confidence.  Dick and Jane were great, and they picked us.  Their decision to parent their son does not mean they found us wanting.  They picked us, and someone else will pick us, too.  We no longer feel that overwhelming nervousness we did when we first spoke with Dick and Jane.  We are even more ready to be ourselves and let our personalities shine through.  We successfully navigated one match and we can do it again.  We're infinitely more prepared practically when it comes to knowledge of processes and policies.  We know what really needs to be rushed and what can wait.  We know we can care for a very tiny baby without breaking it!!!

What can I do to help?

Things are looking up.  It's easier and easier to get excited about our adoption again.  We've decided not to use Will as a name again and have come up with a super cool new boy's name.  We hope we have a better take on how to handle our wait.  We're able to look back and not regret the past.  In life, I think it unwise to try to avoid pain.  People spend their entire lives trying to avoid being hurt; they aren't happy and they aren't usually successful at avoiding the hurt.  We don't regret loving Will or opening our lives to Dick and Jane.  We faced our fear, now we'll face our pain.  Though at first we hesitated to share our adoption progress (or lack thereof) for fear of hurting others and being embarrassed, the support we've gotten tells us being open is not just for after the baby arrives.  By sharing, when the unthinkable happened, you were there for us.  Keep doing what you're doing.  Like our Facebook adoption page (links at the bottom) if you haven't already done so.  Like our silly statuses!  Encourage others you know to like it, too.  We appreciate every tiny murmur of support we get.

Not saying that this will happen to us, but as we were living this experience, another couple had something remarkable happen.  On Monday, the day after Will was born, this couple decided the expectant mom with whom they were matched had crossed the line of acceptable behavior and they chose to unmatch.  They posted about it on Facebook.  A friend saw that post.  That friend put their information through two other people to a new mother who lived hundreds of miles away from either one.  She chose them to adopt her baby.  It all took less than 48 hours.  Things can change that fast.

So if you feel comfortable, share our FB page or our online profile.  Tell your friends about us so that if they encounter someone who encounters someone who is considering adoption for her child, she might consider us.  This child will have a village, ready and waiting.

Online profile: http://www.iheartadoption.org/users/ericandchris

Facebook page: Open Adoption for Eric and Chris (Facebook)