Flowers

I smell the flowers blooming,

opening for spring.

I'd like to be those flowers,

open to everything.

 

 

Wailin' Jennys "The Bird Song"

 

So how does this open adoption thing come to pass?  Good question.  Long answer.

 

A birth mother may contact IAC first.  Many do.  A counselor does an intake session with her.  S/he will ask about pretty much everything.  How far along is she?  Who is the father and what's his involvement?  How committed is she to her adoption decision?  Does she have other children?  What's her living situation?  How does her family feel?  Has she been to a doctor?  Has she used drugs while pregnant?  What is she hoping for from adoption?   The answers to those questions can be all over the spectrum.

From there, the woman will be presented with a number of letters.  During her intake session she will have indicated any preferences as to the type of family she would like for her child.  She may choose only heterosexual couples, only Christian couples, only couples in states near her, etc.  Before you freak out, each month a report is published as to the demographics of the women who did intake sessions that month and also the types of letter that were sent to them.  There are those who just want straight, white, Christian parents.  It's their baby; they get to decide.  There are also those who ask specifically for gay families and non-Christian families.  I can't tell you how many stories I've heard of birth mothers choosing a gay couple precisely because a) they or someone in their life is GLBT and they love them and/or b) gay people get a bad rap and they want to do something to "even the playing field," as one birth mother put it.

Okay, so that might not be my choice of why she would choose us, but I also know we'll make great parents for her child and she'll be happy with choosing us anyway.

Depending on just how many preferences she has, she may receive many (more than a hundred) or very few Dear Birth Parent Letters.

Ah, the Dear Birth Parent letter.  Joy.  (That's sarcasm.)

If anything about this process has been difficult, it's been this.  Truthfully, very little else has been difficult at all.  Worrisome, time-consuming, occasionally exasperating, but never hard.  Except for this.

Technically, IAC calls it the Dear Birth Mother letter.  I prefer to call it the Dear Birth Parent letter because I know that if I were a birth father and I saw these letters and didn't see myself included at least in principle, that would be an automatic turn-off.  Only 25% of birth fathers are actively involved in their child's adoption, but if I could have what I want, I'd want one of those.  Two people create a child; I'd want my child to know both.

Whenever I mention the Letter, I always hear a comment about marketing said in such a way as to seem just a little bit disapproving, a little too mean from someone who is supposed to be a friend.  The truth is that it is marketing and that's not bad.  It's necessary.  There is tremendous power (for everyone involved) in knowing the birth parents chose us.  How in the world are they supposed to choose us if they have nothing to go on?

The Letter is a brochure, really, written in the form of a personal letter.  It includes information about Eric and I, how we met and how we think of our relationship.  It includes our jobs, schedules and how we plan to fit a child into those.  It includes tidbits about our families and how they are a part of our lives.  There are pictures, too, all meant to give a birth parent a glimpse of that life might be like for their child should they place him or her with us.

Writing the Letter is really a challenge.  My first attempt was far too wordy.  I'm educated and it shows.  That same education might alienate someone who is not as educated, however.  At the same time, birth mothers are pregnant, not stupid, and dumbing the document down is offensive (I think) to her.  The letter can't be just about what you want; you have to show her what her child will have the chance to do.  It can't presume that she's even made a solid decision about adoption yet.  It has to be warm, welcoming and supportive without assuming to know too much about her.  And a balance has to be struck with being someone with whom a birth parent can identify and also being yourself.  There are easy, cliche things to say, but then all the letters would sound alike.  Big challenge.

Now imagine doing all that, with pictures.  Twice as much thought goes into those.  And it's driving me up a wall.

A birth mother may also choose a family or families prior to contacting the agency.  All families' information is online, along with those pictures and that perfect text.

Before you think the process is said and done there, it's not.  The Letter is important because it gets a birth parent's attention.  We want her to open it, read it and call us.  If our letter doesn't make a mark, it will be ignored.  While not every birth mother is right for us, we want her to call us so we can both know that, not make that decision based on the Letter alone.  Every letter also contains contact information, an 800 number and an e-mail address.  In either format, we hope a birth mother contacts us.  She may call several families.  Through those conversations, both sides come to feel that they would be a good match (or not).  Once that's decision's made, it's called a "match."  (Catchy, huh?)

Technically, a birth mother initiates a match, though it's also up to the adoptive parents to accept it.  Being matched means they've chosen one another and that birth mother's child, to everyone's best knowledge and intentions, will be adopted by that family.  The birth mother will stop talking to other adoptive families; the adoptive family won't speak with other birth mothers.  There will be at least one meeting together formally with a counselor where the plan for the hospital will be made, future contact arrangements discussed and any other concerns dealt with.

Parents do un-match.  According to IAC, the initiation of an un-match is evenly distributed between adoptive parents and birth parents.  It's unfortunate, but from what I understand (and I can see how this would be) it's much better to know that before the baby arrives.  (No, baby's still not here yet.)  Oftentimes the un-match is mutual.  Although they may not be a huge part of the adoptive family's life, they will be important and it's important the two families be able to work together comfortably.

On to the baby!

So baby arrives.  If baby is born in the same state as us, that's awesome.  It means we can come home with baby as soon as baby is discharged from the hospital.  Otherwise, it's more complicated.

The birth mother has to sign to relinquish her child to us (or the agency, depends on the state and the health of the baby.)  The birth father can relinquish before the birth, but the birth mother cannot.  (You'd be surprised at how few rights birth fathers really have.)  Relinquishment typically takes place when both baby and birth mother are discharged, though any number of monkeys may throw any number of wrenches in that arrangement.  Long story short, though, custody of the baby is legally (but temporarily) yours.

Most states have a revocation period.  A few do not.  None that I know of allow a birth mother to sign the relinquishment any sooner than when she or the baby leaves the hospital.  Revocation periods are typically 7-10 days, though some states have them up to 30-45 days.  Anytime during that period she can change her mind.  It goes until midnight on the last day.  If the last day is a weekend, it goes to the next week day.

Personally, this terrifies me.  My biggest nightmare (and I'm choking up just thinking about it now) is to meet our child, then Eric goes back home to resume work while I stay in the baby's home state with him or her.  Then the birth mother changes her mind and I have to hand the baby back on my own.  We were told by IAC that the birth mother would call the agency to inform them of her choice and then the agency would contact us, but I've also heard personal testimonies to the contrary.  As this becomes more of a reality, however, my fear grows less, at least a little bit.  As I've said previously, doing what's right even though it's hard will make me a better parent.  I don't want the child, not really, if she really wants him back.

Anyhow, onwards.  There's also something called ICPC, um, Interstate Compact for the Protection of Children or something like that.  Basically, if the baby is born in one state and is being adopted in another, before the baby leaves its home state both states have to agree that everything is in order according to their respective laws.  Neither state wants a baby in one state when it should be in the other because this or that legal requirement wasn't met.  ICPC is completely separate from the revocation period.  You can actually leave the state of birth with your child before the revocation period ends.  You'd just have to go back if the birth mother changed her mind.  You cannot legally leave the state of birth before ICPC clearance is received.  Each state has up to ten business days, though it's usually less and I've actually heard of some very quick ones.  It's entirely normal to spend a couple weeks in another state with a newborn, however.  You can travel from one end of California to the other, but you can't go to Reno.

Usually ICPC is a technicality and nothing comes of it.  Once the revocation period has ended, the baby is legally yours, if not yet legally your son or daughter.  Finalization, when the baby does legally become your child, can take months, depending on the situation.  States require different post-placement visits (Virginia wants three.)  If the birth father is not known, terminating his rights takes time (but can be done.)  Finalization usually occurs when the baby is between six and twelve months.  Then, finally, you're just a family.

Just a family.  As if it were something small, rather than something you've been dreaming of.

Next time, I'd really like to discuss the real "marketing" and how I feel about it, and how important it is to me to find the "right" birth mother.

P.S. On a side note, I made an interesting discovery Friday during a meeting with our social worker.  She gave us contact information for a lesbian couple nearby who adopted their daughter from foster care within the past couple years.  I'm sure their situation is like ours, where only one of them could really adopt her, but that they passed a state home study is a surprise to me.  It's not something I thought I was possible.  I'm going to try to get Eric to call them and chat them up!