Modern Family has to be one of the most incredible shows currently on television. It attacks so many social issues without the least little bit of seriousness whatsoever, pointing out amid the laughter that the labels we have are the least likely thing to make us totally weird. We're just totally weird, all of us, no matter who we love or where we live or what color our dog is.
On Mother's Day, Mitchell (played by Jesse Tyler Ferguson) surprised his partner Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) with breakfast in bed. Cam threw a fit, accusing Mitchell of seeing him as the "mother" of Lily, their young daughter. The couple proceeded to waltz their way through an episode that showed us that, however melodramatic, that Cam was absolutely right. Not only Mitchell, but everyone around them viewed Cam as Lily's "mother."
To be fair, Mitchell isn't the only one. Relationships often divide along unequal dichotomies. It's hard for any one person to be everything. When we become a unit with another person, we don't need to be everything. They can be half of everything, and we can be the other half. It helps us be a stronger unit because now the unit as a whole has many more strengths than either person might have individually.
Also to be fair, Mitchell made a very good point to Cam: our society just doesn't have the vocabulary yet to describe what we are. Eric and I have thought endlessly about what to have our child call us. Despite quite literally months of thinking, we have yet to come to satisfying monikers. I would love to come up with a cool new word that our child could use and that would catch on like wildfire among GLBT parents, but let's face it, I'm just not that cool.
But gay dads aren't the only thing society doesn't necessarily have the right words for.
Recently, I read a topic on an adoption forum expressing disdain of the adoption vocabulary used earlier that day in another topic. The original poster had used "birth mother" instead of "expectant mother."
Terrible, isn't it?
Actually, it's not terrible.
First off, they actually probably used "birthmother." I don't like that as a single word for two reasons. 1) I have yet to find a spell check that recognizes it, and 2) we don't write adoptiveparent. I'd rather separate the words to demonstrate on paper that this person is a parent (or a mother or a father) first and foremost. The "birth" or "adoptive" alters and further clarifies the relationship between the adult and the child. It clarifies it, but it doesn't define them. To use "birthmother" makes it seem as if this is a title like "sex offender" that the woman must always carry. Surely she's allowed to identify herself in other ways?
I do, however, support the use of the term birth mother in general, despite the popular adoption masses who now clamor for "expectant mother." I may not be very popular with my choice, but rest assured I'm not trying to be a jerk. As always, when you choose your words carefully, you'll convey your meaning with more accuracy, provided your listeners are not ostriches and stick their heads in the proverbial sand in their effort to drown out your outdated vocab.
I don't like the term "expectant mother." That she is, of course. But she won't always be. The "expectant" camp argues that she is just any other person, she hasn't yet made a permanent decision to place her child for adoption, and only if she does can she be a "birth mother." Here's my problem with that: she's considering adoption. She's not just considering it casually, either. If she's gotten to the point where someone, an adoptive parent or an agency or an attorney, is calling her an "expectant mother" and really referring to her consideration of adoption, she's much further along than a casual weighing of options. Adoption is part of her life, at least for the time being. Even if her decision is ultimately to parent, it will be an adoption decision.
"Expectant mother" treats her like any other pregnant woman. Believe me, she deserves just as much respect as any other pregnant woman, but like I said above, "e-mom" is still referring to her consideration of adoption, it's just trying to gloss over it. In an era of greater openness and transparency in adoption, why take a step backward and use a term that ignores the fact that this woman is considering adoption?
Why do I think "birth mother" is better? It identifies the relationship she will have with her child, always, whatever her final decision may be. We all have a birth mother. Every one of us. Most of us know her as our only mother, so the use of additional words isn't necessary. No other woman will ever be her child's birth mother. I can never be our child's birth father. She won't always be pregnant and "expectant." She will always have given birth to this child. Unlike other words (popular among the anti-adoption crowd), like "original" and "natural," birth mother is simply a statement of fact. You can have birth parents and be raised by them and they can be awful. You can have birth parents and be raised by someone else and your birth parents can be wonderful.
That they are birth parent doesn't make them less. When I hear "expectant mother," I feel like the person who uses it subscribes internally to the idea that birth parents are less important somehow, and probably disagrees with the statement and uses "e-mom" to compensate.
There are probably times when "e-mom" is appropriate. Her doctor, for example, is treating a pregnant woman and is concerned with her health and that of the baby. Her adoption decision (either way) is not primary there. Strangers out in public would call her "e-mom." But if she's been talking with me (or anyone else) about adopting her baby, for me she's not just another pregnant lady.
I choose to use birth mom because it recognizes both the reality of her situation and respects her importance in her child's life always at the same time. It's an imperfect term as well, however. Our society doesn't yet have the vocabulary for us.
And I still don't know what to have the baby call us!
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